


I think the world of you

by linumlea



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-26 20:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17753342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linumlea/pseuds/linumlea
Summary: “Hinata, I like you.”Everything stilled as Hinata’s inside twisted into a knot. From the distance, from the baseball field, came a thud of a ball getting hit to the outfield and resounding cries of the players. Behind them the gym was quiet, even the junior members of the team having finally settled down.Hinata thought he heard wrong. “What?”





	I think the world of you

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to [Yurika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yurika), for beta-ing this fic and for support that saw me through many moments when I thought I should just stop writing altogether.  
> It used to make me miserable because I'm so prone to comparing myself to others. Now it makes me happy to be able to put some words down and post them online for people to read.  
>   
> find me on tumblr too! [linumlea.tumblr.com](http://linumlea.tumblr.com/)

The molten heat was relentless. Even sitting in the shadow of the small canopy shielding the entrance to the gym, with a towel soaked in cold water draped over his face, Hinata was so hot his thoughts swam, dizzyingly scattered.

Next to him, he heard Kageyama breathe heavily, in and out, in and out. The water bottle Kageyama was holding crinkled when he gripped it tighter. In the gym behind them the first years and the second years were up to something, laughing loudly in the absence of their seniors - Yamaguchi was called to Takeda about something, Tsukishima had disappeared lord knew where, and Hinata and Kageyama were just outside, out of immediate earshot, trying to cool down and failing hard at it. The younger members of the team grew bold and boisterous, having the gym to themselves.

The school was empty save for the clubs who had activities during the summer break. The baseball team was yelling on the field - there was a sharp, echoing whack of a bat hitting the ball and then more yelling; erratic music came from the school’s building, sometimes growing harmonious, sometimes wildly out of tune.

The towel on Hinata’s face grew too hot, and he ripped it off with displeasure. “It’s too hot,” he complained. “Can’t even think straight.”

“Shouldn’t have spent the last hour running around.” Kageyama was leaning back, his back and his head resting against the wall. His eyes were closed and beads of sweat ran down his neck. Even his hair was soaked with it, draped in wet, curling strands over Kageyama’s peculiarly pale skin - the flush of the practice was gone, replaced with sickly paleness. He looked like Hinata felt - spent, soaked, and too tired to do anything about it. 

“How else am I supposed to practice the run-up attack?” Hinata got up. He walked over to the taps and opened one, throwing the towel under it, rinsing it a few times and then letting it soak up the cold water again. He bent over, putting his head under the tap too - he shivered while the cold seeped into his overheated skin.

“On days when it’s not hot enough to melt asphalt,” Kageyama said, though Hinata barely heard it over the running water.

“Right. Dunno how to achieve that in the middle of summer, though.”

Kageyama didn’t deign to reply. He sat still, eyes closed, when Hinata came back to sit beside him. Even the sweat on Kageyama’s face was beginning to dry out. When Hinata dropped the cold, soaked towel over Kageyama’s face, Kageyama started, sitting up with a violent jerk. Kageyama pawed at the towel, blinking down at it when it fell on his chest. He looked up at Hinata, surprise and suspicion clear on his face; his eyes were clouded with tiredness.

“You look on the verge of a heatstroke,” Hinata said, sitting down beside him. “You gotta cool down.”

Kageyama lifted one corner of the towel between two of his fingers. “Haven’t you been using it the whole day today? It’s soaked in your-”

“I rinsed it, holy shit. Like a few times and really properly. I wouldn’t give you a totally gross towel, gimme a break.”

Kageyama harrumphed. He still looked doubtful, but didn’t protest when Hinata reached out to drape the towel back over his face. Leave it to Kageyama to still doubt Hinata’s best intentions, honestly. Three years of partnership under their belts and Kageyama is as much of a distrustful asshole as ever.

“Have a little faith in me,” Hinata said, sullen.

“I have plenty where it matters,” Kageyama mumbled from under the towel. “It’s because I know you that I won’t immediately trust a wet towel you’re trying to put anywhere near me.”

“Jerk.”

“Dumbass.”

Hinata sighed. He couldn’t contain a huff of a laugh, though - they always fell so easily into the old tracks of insults, even if there was little bite behind them now. It was a knee-jerk reaction to start bickering, without ever meaning it. At least Hinata didn’t mean much of it - he wasn’t sure about Kageyama, but given the growth of Kageyama’s placidness over the years, he allowed himself a fair share of faith that Kageyama meant few of the insults he threw Hinata’s way these days.

For a while Hinata thought that things were changing between them - a few months ago during second year when Kageyama got weird, weirder than normal. But it was over soon and Hinata drew it up to seasonal moodiness or just some family troubles that Kageyama never bothered to talk about. Kageyama rarely bothered to talk about private stuff - Hinata knew close to nothing about his family, save for that one time when Kageyama got picked up by his mother after class. Hinata only remembered that because Kageyama had to skip practice that day and it was a bother without him.

It was just that, now. Partners, and friends, and rivals still too - but friends first and foremost. No matter how many people Hinata got in contact with, Kageyama was the only one Hinata was willing to trust to the end of the Earth and back. It was a practiced trust, yes, coming from months-worth of playing together and working together - but there was something else to it, a bone-deep quality of solidness that grew naturally.

Hinata closed his eyes and leaned his head back, mimicking Kageyama’s pose. Under the relentless heat, minutes ticked by, and Hinata’s thoughts grew drowsy, slowing down and settling in the muddy bottom of his mind. He didn’t even stir when next to him Kageyama shifted.

“Hey,” Kageyama said.

Hinata mumbled, his body and his mind heavy. When something touched his arm, he just swatted it at without strength, thinking it a fly or a mosquito.

“Hey,” Kageyama insisted.

“What? Is the practice back on?” Hinata rubbed at his eyes. His vision was blurry when he caught sight of Kageyama’s face hovering next to him. 

“Still a few minutes left.”

“What are you waking me up for, then?” Hinata groaned.

“Hinata.”

“What?” Hinata lifted the hem of his shirt to wipe at his face. He wasn’t as sweaty now, but the shirt was still damp and it didn’t help much. He frowned when Kageyama’s hand closed on his elbow, tightening, forcing Hinata to still. Hinata’s gaze trailed upwards, from Kageyama’s hand up to his face - Kageyama’s eyes shined, his mouth skewed in clear unhappiness.

“Hinata, I like you.”

Everything stilled as Hinata’s inside twisted into a knot. From the distance, from the baseball field, came a thud of a ball getting hit to the outfield and resounding cries of the players. Behind them the gym was quiet, even the junior members of the team having finally settled down.

Hinata thought he heard wrong. “What?”

 

Kageyama was staring.

Not like usual, with calculation or with irritation at something Hinata has done. No - he was staring like an afterthought, like he has been staring at empty space before and Hinata wandered into it accidentally; when Hinata moved, though, Kageyama’s eyes trailed after him. Hinata stepped a few feet to the left, then a few feet to the right - Kageyama’s eyes stayed glued to him, but there was no heat to his gaze, nothing that would tip Hinata to try to guess Kageyama’s mood.

Kageyama just sat at the opposite end of the gym, water bottle hanging from his hand, a towel slung over his shoulder, and stared. 

Hinata had half a mind to ask what Kageyama’s problem was today, but then Ennoshita called for the end-of-practice meeting, and Hinata forgot all about it, sitting down next to the first years who made space for him and who then laughed obediently at a joke he said.

There was an itch, though, a prickle at the back of his neck. As if someone was looking at him all the while.

 

It happened again and again - time after time, Hinata caught Kageyama staring. Sometimes Kageyama played it off as if he he hadn’t been staring at all, no sir, but other times there was no way he could deny it and he ended up telling Hinata off for an imaginary offense. Even when Hinata knew he did nothing wrong to deserve being berated like that.

“What is it?” Hinata asked one time, unable to stand it. He rooted himself to the floor in front of Kageyama, just outside the court, and placed his hands on his hips as he attempted to stare Kageyama down. It was just a tiny bit difficult with the height difference between them, but Hinata never let that stop him.

Kageyama blinked down at him. “What?”

“Why are you glaring at me? What did I do?”

“I wasn’t glaring.”

“But you were staring,” Hinata said slyly.

Kageyama’s eyes narrowed as his grip on a volleyball tightened. “I wasn’t.”

“You thought I wouldn’t notice?”

“I wasn’t staring.” Kageyama looked away. He attempted to circle around Hinata, to go where the rest of the team has gathered around coach Ukai, but Hinata gripped at his arm to stop him.

“You were and I wanna know why. What did I do?”

“Nothing. You didn’t do anything. You’re just so ugly that it’s eye-catching.”

Hinata yelped in indignation and shoved at Kageyama, immediately moving himself two steps away in preparation for the retaliation from Kageyama who really didn’t like being shoved. But the retaliation didn’t come. Kageyama just stood there, his face pained.

“You’re mean,” Hinata said, testing the waters.

Kageyama shrugged and turned away. His shoulders were hunched and in Hinata’s chest an ache burst. Something was wrong with Kageyama and Hinata had no idea what or what to do about it. His instincts told him to go after Kageyama, attempt to make him talk - but his instincts weren’t always right, and in the end Hinata ignored them, instead shuffling after Kageyama and then standing a distance away while Ukai and Ennoshita told them about the practice match they were going to have next week with a nearby school’s team.

The distance that stretched between them was becoming unbreachable, at least in Hinata’s mind. 

 

Once it caught his attention, Hinata saw Kageyama stare more and more. Kageyama turned more furtive - he only stared when he thought Hinata wasn’t looking, but he slipped up from time to time. Or maybe Hinata just got better at recognizing the moments when Kageyama would stare.

At first it seemed like Kageyama’s gaze was innocent - it only trailed after Hinata on the court, and Hinata was tempted to chalk it up to Kageyama assessing Hinata’s performance that day. That was alright. Unnerving but alright.

But then, then Kageyama was staring off the court too.

When the team walked to the shop after practice. While they ate lunch with the rest of the second years. While Hinata’s class had PE and Kageyama stared out of the window and after Hinata as Hinata ran on the field or laughed with his classmates. When Yachi was tutoring them both, with Yamaguchi helping out.

While Hinata changed in the clubroom.

That day the practice ended later than usual, though it was difficult to tell - the winter days were short and evenings came with the end of the last class for the day, so they carried out the practice to the halogen lights in the gym. The sole light of a single lightbulb in the clubroom was dim and they could barely see what they were doing while they were changing, which sometimes made for mishaps.

One of the first years accidentally grabbed another one’s dirty t-shirt, yelled, and before long they were all involved in it. Hinata laughed along, tugging his own shirt off. To the side, exasperated Ennoshita was trying to calm them down - he didn’t quite have Daichi’s confidence yet, but he was growing into it.

The shirt got stuck on Hinata’s head and it took him a few seconds to break free - when his head popped out, he brushed the strands of hair out of his eyes, looked up, past the still arguing first years - and into Kageyama’s eyes who was looking, looking, looking, at the bare skin on Hinata’s chest, arms, neck.

Hinata’s blood ran cold. His throat tight and his mouth dry, he jerked forward to grab his spare shirt and tug it on.

He didn’t look in Kageyama’s direction again that day.

 

“Good job today,” Kageyama said as he sat down next to Hinata. The practice was over - a few of the most dedicated first years did stretches at the other side of the gym while the rest lounged around, some with their eyes closed as they caught a minute or two of a not-quite-nap before they would have to leave home.

Hinata froze. He studiously kept his eyes trained at the net pole in front of them even as Kageyama’s thigh lined up with his. “What’s that?”

“I said good job.”

“Are you being sarcastic or-? Has Tsukishima been rubbing off on you?”

“I mean it, dumbass.”

He was turned away so he didn’t see it and didn’t expect it when Kageyama reached out and tangled his fingers into Hinata’s hair, and he couldn’t slink away from it. For a moment he thought that maybe it would be like before, with Kageyama grabbing his hair forcefully to punish him for whatever misdeed Hinata has committed, but it wasn’t - Kageyama was gentle, ruffling Hinata’s hair the way Suga sometimes did.

Suga used to say ‘good job’ too. Suga would ruffle people’s hair and tell them they did well and he would be there if there was something wrong.

Maybe Kageyama was trying to be more like Suga this way. It sat wrong with Hinata within the privacy of Hinata’s mind.

Hinata wished Suga was still there, still with them, because he really wanted to know what was up with Kageyama. Suga would have known.

But Suga was really busy with uni these days, he and Daichi, and Asahi with his new job, and Hinata wasn’t sure going to Ennoshita or Tanaka instead would do him any good. They were good seniors, of course they were - but he had a nagging feeling that they wouldn’t get what he was trying to tell them.

 

They had a practice match with Shiratorizawa a week later - even with Ushiwaka the Formidable gone to university, Shiratorizawa still had a very strong team.

Karasuno learned they were not any worse than them, though.

The match ended with Karasuno dominating by two hard earned points. It used up much of their energy and by the time the referee whistled for the end of the match, Hinata’s legs were trembling. He had to whack at his thighs to make them obey him when the team gathered in a disorganised group hug, yelling their hoarse celebrations. 

On the other side of the net, Shiratorizawa’s players were looking away, frowning and displeased. Tsutomu took the loss hard, from the looks of it - his eyes glistened when Hinata caught his gaze, but he still attempted a smile when Hinata lifted his hand in a silent ‘thank you’.

They will have more opportunities, more matches to play and to try to settle who was the best ace of them all.

Hinata barely noticed who was around him in the huddle - they were all damp from sweat, all too hot, arms wrapped around each other. Someone tugged him down to give his head a good rubbing - he bet Tanaka since he sometimes forgot his strength, and then the group slowly dispersed. 

He swayed on his feet and someone’s hand on the small of his back steadied him.

“Good match,” Kageyama said. His hand moved from Hinata’s back to his side, and then Hinata was lead beyond the back line to line up, held fast by Kageyama’s grip. The touch only disappeared when Ennoshita called for a bow.

With the formalities done, Hinata slinked away to talk to Tsutomu, who clapped him hard on the shoulder as soon as Hinata appeared next to him. The rest of Shiratorizawa’s first years stood a bit away. Half way through the court Ennoshita and - his name was Shirabu, Hinata thought - Shiratorizawa’s captain shook hands and started talking. Shirabu laughed when Ennoshita said something, and then looked startled at his own amusement. 

“What was with that attack in the second half?” Hinata asked. “Nearly ripped my arms off.”

Tsutomu laughed out loud. “Special technique, courtesy of Ushijima-senpai.”

“Show me later!”

“No way, it’s team secret.” Tsutomu took a swig from his water bottle and faltered, gazing over Hinata’s shoulder. “Is your team’s setter alright? He looks pissed off.”

“Kageyama usually looks like that.”

“No, I know. It’s just that now it’s more than usual.”

Hinata cocked his head to the side and followed Tsutomu’s gaze. 

At the other side of the court Hinata’s team was packing up, some stretching to chase away tomorrow’s soreness. They were in no hurry, with Ennoshita still very much engrossed in whatever he and Shirabu were talking about.

Kageyama was glaring. There was no other way to call it, with the sharp slant of his eyebrows and the pinched line of his mouth. And he was, sure enough, glaring at Hinata.

Hinata cringed. “Why does he have to be like this?” he muttered.

“Doesn’t want his team collaborating with enemies?”

“You’re not an enemy,” Hinata said, sullen. “And he doesn’t have a problem with our captain talking to yours.”

“Hm.” Tsutomu took a small step to the side and shrunk away, hiding himself in Hinata’s silhouette, and only peeking over Hinata’s shoulder. “I don’t like it when he glares like that.”

“Eh, he is harmless.”

“He gives totally different vibes than that, though. By the way, your captain is leaving.”

“Shit. Right. Bye, Tsutomu! Thanks for the game! Show me that super special attack some time!”

“In your dreams!”

Hinata waved at him as he ran to where the Karasuno team was now picking up their things. Hinata’s bag was still, of course, unpacked, so he flung his stuff inside haphazardly.

“What were you talking with their ace for?”

Hinata picked up his bag and straightened to look Kageyama in the eye. “Because he is my friend and I wanted to. Obviously.”

Kageyama’s eyes narrowed but he didn’t manage to get a word in edgewise before Hinata turned on his heel and left, following the rest of the team.

 

Hinata’s body buzzed. He was fourth in the queue to the spiking practice, then third. The thuds of the successful spikes resounded in the gym like a drum. He was second and then he was throwing the ball to their first year new setter and running up to the net, pleasant burn in his well-exercised body scorching.

He twisted into the jump, eyes on the ball up in the air, a bit too much to the left but Hinata knew he would make it-

His leg twisted too much and he more felt than heard a small crack.

He flailed in the middle of the failed jump and crashed hard into the net, holding onto it. The unspiked ball fell next to him with a thud as he stared down at his leg without apprehension.

“Hinata!”

He shook his head. “I’m alright, it’s not-”

Kageyama whirled into existence inches away, holding Hinata under the arms as Ukai and Takeda ran up to them.

“Take him to the benches,” Ukai said sharply, and Kageyama tugged Hinata along. His hands were tight on Hinata’s skin.

“No,” Hinata said, too weakly for anyone to hear. He twisted himself out of Kageyama’s grasp, tugging free with so much force he stumbled forward. “No,” he said louder, too loud - everyone around him stopped, staring. Hinata didn’t dare look what Kageyama’s face was like. “I’m alright. I can walk by myself.”

“Don’t put your weight-”

“I know. It doesn’t hurt, it just did something weird. I’m fine.” He turned away and walked to the bench, sitting down at it and avoiding everyone’s eyes.

A few minutes later, after careful inspection and consideration, Ukai sat back. “Twisted your knee too much. It’s already overworked since you run and jump more than anyone else on the team, and today it just couldn’t take it anymore. You’re gonna have to let it rest for a while.”

“How long is a while, coach?” Hinata gripped the seat of the bench so tight it started to hurt and the tips of his fingers turned bloodless.

“A week or two. You’ll sit out the rest of the practice today and tomorrow too, and then some lighter exercise should be alright. No putting strain on that knee, though.”

“We have Spring High in a few weeks.”

“Yes, we do.” Ukai sent him a hard look. “And that’s why we need you functioning. No putting strain on that knee, are we understood?”

Hinata’s hands shook. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. Go put on a jacket, you don’t need a cold on top of this.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, Kageyama, Ennoshita - you two will keep an eye on Hinata, alright? So he doesn’t do anything reckless.”

“Of course,” Ennoshita said. He sent a sympathetic smile that looked more like a grimace Hinata’s way. Kageyama just nodded, his face unreadable.

 

“I’ll walk you home,” Kageyama said after following Hinata out of the clubroom and into the night. The team’s usual changing-time antics were subdued behind them, as if their teammates somehow lost heart, seeing something happen to Hinata, seeing him hurt and off the court where he couldn’t shine as bright as he did playing.

Hinata hoped that wasn’t the case. He would hate to be the source of bad mood in the team.

Hinata didn’t pause, walking down the stairs. “No, thanks.”

“Hinata, just let me walk you home.”

“Leave me alone. I don’t need to be babysitted.”

Kageyama’s steps thudded down the stairs and Kageyama grabbed Hinata’s arm. Hinata tried to twist free, only to hiss when a needle of pain pierced at his knee.

“Stop that. You’re only going to aggravate it.”

“Then stop touching me!” Hinata ripped away. He jumped from the remaining steps and started towards the school’s gate, stretching his steps as long as he could.

Stupid Kageyama and his stupid long legs caught up quickly, though.

“Why won’t you leave me alone? I’ll be fine in a few days.” Hinata thrust his hands into his pockets, slouching and looking at the ground in front of his feet.

“I’m-” Kageyama made a sound that was closer to a growl than actual human words. “I’m worried.”

“Then don’t be. Holy shit, I’m not made from spun glass. I don’t need you to coddle me on top of all the staring and touching and all that other crap.”

Kageyama faltered. Hinata stopped too, a few steps away. The street was dark, the lamps far in-between, and Kageyama stopped in the middle of the shadow between them - Hinata couldn’t see what kind of a face Kageyama was making. “What?” Kageyama asked, voice uneven.

“You stare,” Hinata said. “You stare so much, and you touch and now you’re trying to baby me.”

“I don’t-”

“Stop lying. You can lie about as well as I can, and I’m a lousy liar. Just, stop. Everything. I hate it. It makes my skin crawl. Leave me alone.” Hinata turned away. Kageyama didn’t follow him, remaining behind on that dark street, lost in the shadows.

 

Hinata was good and calm and perfectly obedient for the rest of the idleness period prescribed by Ukai, and soon he was back to normal practice. The Spring High was approaching and they needed everything they could get to succeed.

Kageyama was back to normal too. No more staring. No more touching. No babying Hinata. He was back to his good, well-known harsh self. 

Days passed and Hinata soon forgot what the prickle of Kageyama’s stare on his back felt like.

When they won their first match during the Spring High, Kageyama gave him a high five and that was that.

 

“I like you.”

Hinata stared, petrified. He searched Kageyama’s face for a clue that Kageyama meant that in a different way that Hinata’s immediate thought was - but Kageyama was still unhappy, lines of seriousness still etched into his expression.

Hinata’s stomach filled with lead. He tried to smile, but it came out wobbly. “What are you on about? Are you that grateful about the towel? Honestly, I would have done that for anyone.”

“You know what I mean,” Kageyama said.

Hinata’s smile dropped. “I don’t know what you mean. I don’t.”

“I like you. That way.”

“What way? What fucking way?” Hinata’s hands wound into fists.

“I like you. And I would like you to go out with me.”

Hinata shot up, swaying on his feet when a wave of dizziness hit him. “That’s too far for a joke, Kageyama.”

“I’m not joking.” True to his words, he was still dead serious, looking at Hinata steadily and with resignation weighing down at his shoulders - they drooped, Kageyama’s back bowed as he gazed up into Hinata’s eyes. He looked so small like that, like a curled up wounded animal.

Hinata had no idea what kind of an expression he himself was making - he was numb, unable to settle into anything less than three emotions at once. “Why?”

Kageyama shrugged. “Why you? Because. It just happened.”

“Why now?”

“As good as anytime.”

“What am I supposed to say?” Hinata’s mind spun. He had to reach out to brace himself against the wall because the ground was swaying under his feet.

Kageyama looked down. He twisted his fingers into Hinata’s towel. “Yes. Or no.”

“Kageyama-”

“I know, alright? I know. I know you don’t- I just know. Just tell me and let’s get it over with.”

“But why?”

“Is that important? Just say it.”

“Yes, it’s important! Holy shit, Kageyama, you idiot.”

“I am an idiot, I know, fine. Say it. Practice starts again in a moment, we shouldn’t be late.”

“Do you- do you seriously expect me to just go back to practice after my best friend said he- he liked me? Do you really expect me to-”

“Yes. Just say it and let it be over it.”

Hinata’s eyes stung and he rubbed at them violently. “No.”

“‘No’, what?”

“No, I don’t like you that way.”

Kageyama’s head dropped. He sat still for a moment before rising too, standing next to Hinata but not looking at him at all. “Was it that difficult?”

“Kageyama.”

“It’s alright. I knew what you would say. Sorry for dropping this on you all of the sudden, but don’t let it interfere with practice. I won’t let it interfere so I expect you to do the same.”

“Kageyama, you’re such an asshole.”

Kageyama did finally look at him, when after a wide swing Hinata’s fist connected with his jaw. Kageyama looked surprised at first, staggering a step back and holding a hand up to where a bruise would form later, and then his face contorted in rage.

 

Hinata leaped out of the train and onto the platform, his backpack swinging with the momentum. The clock at the platform showed a quarter till 3pm. His hometown’s train station even smelled familiar - how that came to be, he didn’t know. Maybe it had something to do with the cleaning products, or maybe the plants around, or maybe it was just Hinata’s imagination and the station didn’t smell familiar at all.

It was his first time visiting since starting the second year of uni in the spring and he expected a lot of berating from his mother for visiting too rarely. He couldn’t help it, though - the classes and the practice of his uni’s volleyball team,  _ his _ new volleyball team, took up a lot of time. The only times when he had a possibility to catch a train home were the national holidays and those didn’t happen that often.

He walked down the street, passing people and shops. Things have been changing, it seemed - new places sprouted in places of old, replacements and reparations, and a fair deal of establishments he remembered being there just a few months ago went out of business.

He passed a baker’s and backtracked, squinting at the front of the shop. Natsu would be overjoyed if he brought something nice for her.

It was over an hour later when he walked into his childhood home, greeted by a screech of delight as the cheesecake he had bought was ripped from his hand and he himself was totally ignored.

His mother laughed at the face he made. “She has been whining about sweets since yesterday. I think you’ve really reached her with this.”

“I thought we would share,” Hinata said, staring in bewilderment and helplessness as the cake vanished.

Natsu flicked her gaze up and curled a protective arm around the cake box. “Mine,” she said.

“No chance of that, it seems.” His mom gently pulled at the straps of his backpack. She made him set it down before enveloping him in a tight hug. “Welcome home, Shouyou.”

“Missed you, mom.”

“Did you miss me too?” Natsu asked.

“No, you’re a goblin and there is no way in hell that I would ever miss you.”

“Rude.” Natsu put down the cake box. It was already empty and Hinata couldn’t help feeling impressed.

 

“What time is that reunion of yours?” his mom asked as Hinata set his backpack in his old room and settled himself on the bed. It felt weird, being in his childhood home after spending months away - place well known but now with a film of unfamiliarity covering every object and every wall.

“Evening. Sometime after 8pm.”

“Alright. Rest for a bit now, you’ve gotta be tired. Dinner will be in an hour or so.”

“Thanks, mom.”

She smiled at him as she exited the room.

Hinata fell backwards on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. His gaze wandered around the room, picking out things - the nearly empty desk, the old calendar above it, a tattered volleyball stuck into a corner that looked miserable with months of disuse. He didn’t even think before reaching out and picking it up.

His mom said to rest, but Hinata couldn’t do that. There was a hum of energy running through his limbs that he couldn’t suppress. She eyed him from the kitchen when he sneaked down the stairs and into the garden, shaking her head with resignation when he grinned sheepishly.

The weight of the volleyball was a comfort in his hand. He started with bouncing it up and down, up and down, alternating between overhead and serve receiving forms. The thump of the ball against his skin lulled him with its soft, regular rhythm.

“You really are good at it now.”

Hinata let the ball fall into his hands, looking at Natsu who sat at the step leading up to the sliding doors Hinata went out through. “Yeah. I had a few years of practice.”

“Are you an ace in your new team too?”

“Kind of. Next year I’ll be for sure, but this year - y’know how it is with seniority.”

She nodded sagely. It looked out of place on a fourteen year old, but he bit his tongue to not make a comment on it.

“How is the softball practice? Think you will make captain next year?”

“I would rather not.” She folded her hands on her knees, leaning to rest her chin on top of them. “It’s so much work and responsibility. Just being on the team is enough.”

Hinata hummed. He bounced the ball a few times, glancing at her from the corner of his eye. “Wanna help me practice?”

“What, you scared you will lose shape if you don’t practice for two days?” She grinned even as she got up.

“Getting a few more minutes of activity can’t do you bad.”

She slipped into position in front of him, bending her knees into the perfect form that he himself had taught her - there was a pleasant pang of pride in his chest at that.

“Hey, are you nervous?” Natsu asked. “About the reunion.”

He stilled, wincing. He threw the ball up. “Why would I be?”

“You look nervous. Twitchy.”

“I’m not. It’s just my old team.”

She bounced the ball back to him. “Will Kageyama be there?”

He jolted and the ball fell to the ground when he missed it, rolling away and into the unkept bushes. “What has Kageyama got to do with it?”

“You think I didn’t know? About the fight you had with him?” She frowned at Hinata. “You were miserable for months until you went to uni.”

“But how-?”

“You should really keep your voice down while talking on the phone.”

Hinata grimaced. “Damn.”

“Will he be there?”

“I think so.” Hinata rubbed his forearm, anxiety slipping its cold, rigid fingers underneath his shirt and underneath his skin, wrapping around his bones. “It’s a team reunion after all. Just because we have been fighting doesn’t mean it should rip the team apart.”

“Maybe he won’t come.”

“I hope he does, actually.” Hinata picked up the ball again. “Maybe we’ll be able to make up.”

She stared at him. “You’re something else, big bro.”

“Why?”

She shook her head, instead motioning for him to throw the ball again already.

 

While Hinata tousled his hair into a practiced mess, standing in front of the mirror in the hallway half an hour before the reunion and already a few minutes late on the time he was supposed to leave, Natsu leaned on the doorframe to the main room, folding her arms across her chest.

“Damn, you’re ugly,” she said, looking at him with sadness in her eyes. She grinned when he frowned at her.

“The people I’ve gone on dates with beg to differ.”

“You had  _ dates _ ?” She gasped.

“You’re terrible.”

“I have to. I’m your sister. You look very handsome today, by the way, objectively speaking.”

“Now that’s more like it, thank you.”

“Have fun, big bro. Good luck with the thing.”

He waved at her over his shoulder as he went out of the house and into the slowly settling summer evening. 

 

Despite the very clear, very detailed directions Ennoshita had sent him - followed by a eerily similar message from Yamaguchi, just with more snark - Hinata got lost.

He was over a quarter of an hour late, spent traipsing the streets of the town centre, by the time he barrelled into the side street and finally found the entrance to the pub. He was pretty sure he had passed that street twice before, but that was the first time he actually noticed the sign hanging above the entrance. How he missed it before, he didn’t know - the bright blood red of the neon sign bled light all over the street, painting the cobbled pavement in crimson.

He descended the stairs leading to the entrance set below the level of the street. The inside of the pub was cozy, with a bar near the front and booths and tables towards the back, walls clad in dark wooden panels. The wall behind the bar was bare, red bricks. As soon as he opened the doors, a wall of noise hit him - the pub was full, people talking, laughing, discussing. He caught bits of sentences that made little sense taken out of context, the rest blurring into an indistinguishable murmur.

He passed the bar, like the instructions told him to, and spotted the small, narrow staircase leading even lower. He descended the stairs and found himself in a short corridor lit up by a single wall light with three dark doors. He hesitated before throwing the ones on the right open.

The conversation ceased for a moment and then what sounded like ten voices yelled variations of ‘Hinata’ and ‘Shouyou’ and ‘you’re late’.

“I’m sorry! I got lost.”

“How did you manage to get lost?” Yamaguchi raised his glass, expression disbelieving. Flush was high in his cheeks and next to him Tsukishima watched the glass apprehensively as the beer in it sloshed. “I sent you amazing instructions! Even included a map.”

“This part of the town is just a labyrinth,” Hinata said. “There is like hundreds of little streets, and they all look the same.”

“You just have no sense of direction,” Tsukishima said.

“I do have it! Found this pub in the end, haven’t I?”

“C’mon, simmer down, let him find a seat,” Daichi said. He gave Hinata a little wave and Hinata couldn’t help but grin back.

Daichi and Ennoshita sat at the head of the long, rectangular table. Suga, followed by Narita, Kinoshita, Kageyama, Yachi, and Kiyoko sat on the right, while Asahi, Noya, Tanaka, Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima took the left side.

The only available space was next to Tsukishima, who was gracious enough to move his bag when Hinata attempted to sit next to him, though not without a grimace.

“What, scared you’ll catch the stupid?” Hinata asked him.

“No, I’m just concerned for my well-being - I got flanked by two people with the weakest heads, you and Yamaguchi.”

“I can drink!”

“Sure you do, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said as he ducked to avoid the glass Yamaguchi was still swinging around.

“Yacchan, give Hinata a clean glass, there is still a few over there,” Kiyoko said, already reaching for the nearest beer bottle. Hinata thanked her, flushing, when she poured him a glass and smiled as she slid it to him across the table. 

 

He has been avoiding looking in Kageyama’s direction. He couldn’t even deny it. He concentrated on Yachi and on Noya, and studiously kept his eyes low when his gaze passed by the space Kageyama occupied - sometimes he caught a blur of a movement when Kageyama raised his own glass, or a snippet of a sentence or a word as Kageyama replied to something or asked a question himself. There were just so many conversations going at once that no one questioned why Hinata and Kageyama haven’t spoken to each other yet. 

Most of them, as far as Hinata knew, weren’t even aware of what happened between Hinata and Kageyama in their third year of high school, save for Tsukki, Yamaguchi, and Yachi who were there the rest of that year as the conflict regularly resurfaced and sizzled down, only to flare to life again after a few days of mostly civil coexistence. They were never able to truly let go, not until the day of graduation when it finally dawned on them that that was it - they might never cross paths again. They had shaken hands, they had said their thanks, and off they went to different towns, different universities. 

It was startling, how easy it was to just break apart.

Hinata swirled the last of his drink in the glass, staring at the foam as it clung to the walls. Someone tapped him on the shoulder and Hinata raised his gaze, grinning automatically at Tanaka’s open, flushed face of a man well on his way to get shitfaced.

“Change seats with me,” Tanaka said, already stumbling through. Hinata had no choice but vacate and sit down next to Noya, who wasted no time reeling Hinata into talking about what he has been up to in that uni of his and whether his team was any good. Hinata hoped that would be all the seat changing that happened that evening. 

A few rounds later, though, the seat changing intensified. Hinata, immersed in a story Noya was telling about his university team, lost track of who sat where and barely noticed when someone new slipped into the seat Yamaguchi has been in a few minutes before.

“-and I was standing there, wondering ‘what the hell?’ ‘cause, I mean, how often do you see an orangutan skipping around the campus, right?” Noya was saying. “And I was with some guys from the team, so I point at the orangutan, they catch the drift, and we start running towards it. It noticed us and started running away, but we caught up really quickly and tackled it! And its head came off!”

“No,” Tsukishima said, horrified. His tone was so obviously mocking that Noya threw a peanut at him.

“Yes,” he said. “‘Cause it was a guy in an orangutan suit. They were doing some publicity stunt or something. And then later we were all in a video on the internet, and that’s how I became an internet celebrity.”

“For whole two days,” Tsukishima said.

Noya squinted at him. “How do you know that?”

“Curse of omniscience.”

“What happened to the guy in the orangutan suit?” Kageyama asked. His voice came directly from Hinata’s right, so close that Hinata froze up. 

“I dunno.  _ He _ didn’t become a celebrity, I can tell you that much.”

Kageyama hummed. 

Hinata swallowed. He scooted a bit back and slinked behind Kageyama’s back, heading to the room’s exit.

Tanaka looked at him, eyes unfocused but questioning. 

“Toilet,” Hinata murmured. Appeased, Tanaka went back to harassing Yamaguchi into talking about- Hinata didn’t even know. Both Tanaka and Yamaguchi were beginning to lose track of their conversation anyway too, by the looks of it. 

Out in the small, cramped corridor, Hinata took a deep breath. It was cooler here, even though the room had air conditioning working non stop, blasting cooled air over their heads. He leaned, resting his shoulder against the wall, letting the alcohol settle instead of bubbling in his veins and thoughts, and only pushed off when he thought he could really brave the restroom. 

The fear of public restrooms never really went away and Hinata still hesitated before entering one, much to his friends’ bafflement, especially since he loathed to explain his reasons. 

He passed through the last doors in the corridor, above which hung the restroom sign. He went into the men’s, sagging with relief when he saw it was empty, and braced his hands on one of the sinks. Back from the mirror stared a familiar face, though with much more glistening eyes and hair way messier than it was intended to be. He opened the tap and splashed his heated face with the coldest possible water, shivering when drops of it trickled down his neck and soaked into his shirt. 

It was slightly easier to think, now, without the heat and the buzzing and the noise of that small room, and as he stared at the drain of the sink, he thought that he should be braver. He has faced people he was terrified of and disappointments that could have left him bitter, and he came out victorious and with few scars. 

How bad could facing Kageyama again be? What could possibly happen-? 

Hinata jolted when the restroom doors swung open and then slammed closed. He straightened and for the first time in two years he looked Kageyama in the eye. 

Kageyama looked drunk. As far as Hinata could tell, at least, he had never had a chance to see Kageyama drunk before after all, but Kageyama had a pinched look of someone who is trying very hard to behave in a socially acceptable manner even as the gravity is calling for them to give in and give up and stop acting so upright already.

Hinata let his hands drop to his sides and Kageyama swayed on his feet, bracing himself on the wall. His colors grew ashen and he stumbled forward.

Hinata didn’t think before stepping forth and catching Kageyama under an arm. “Are you gonna be sick?“ he asked. 

Kageyama shook his head. “Just need to- to clear my head.“

“C’mon, sit down. Maybe it would be better if you, y’know, let go-”

“I’m not gonna barf after five beers,” Kageyama said, slow and offended, as he sat down on the toilet in the first of the stalls. 

“Just saying.”

“I’m not you to barf at any random time.”

Hinata scoffed. “It’s only when I’m nervous! And I haven’t done that in years.“

“I wouldn’t know, would I.” Kageyama folded his hands in his lap, looking down at them. His hair shielded his face, veiling it in impenetrable shadows. The restroom was dark as it was, with lights dimmed, and the additional shadows made Kageyama’s expression invisible. 

Hinata took a step back, a pang of stinging regret and guilt piercing his chest as Kageyama sat, back hunched and shoulders drooping, in his bathroom stall, every bit miserable. 

“We both did this,” Hinata said. 

“I’m sorry.”

Hinata shook his head. He leaned against the wall of the outside of the stall. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t understand back then - now I do, I think, at least a part of it. Why you said what you said and why I did what I did.”

Kageyama nodded slowly. “It should have happened differently.”

Hinata thought he understood - the desire to be able to let go of the impossible and the hurt that had been eating and gnawing and haunting Kageyama for months leading up to the time when he had broken and had confessed on that hot summer day. He just wanted to be free and he hadn’t foreseen the consequences and hadn’t thought about what Hinata would react like.

Kageyama hadn’t thought that he wouldn’t be the only one who would end up hurt. He hadn’t thought that his dismissal of his feelings would hit Hinata too - because he had acted as if his feelings weren’t important and as if Hinata was only there to put an end to things, as if he wasn’t on the receiving end of something grander and fiercer than any of them knew what to do with.

At least it was over now. Enough time has passed that they could leave it all behind.

“Well, you realize that now.” Hinata sniffed. “I’m glad that we both learned better. And I’m, I’m sorry too.”

Kageyama tensed. He whipped his head up, staring, jaw clenched. “I don’t need that from you.”

Hinata faltered, confused, and then straightened again. His hands balled into fists. “And what do you need, then?” 

It might have been the drinking - the promiles still very much in his veins - that allowed Hinata to have been caught off-guard by an attack from the front when Kageyama lurched forward, grasped Hinata’s face in his clammy hands, and smashed their lips together. 

A wave of nausea washed over Hinata and his mind swam as the world tilted and went under, and with it everything that Hinata understood about the situation he was in. 

He twisted his fingers into Kageyama’s shirt and shoved with every bit of strength he could gather. 

Kageyama didn’t resist - just stumbled back, blinking and avoiding Hinata’s eyes. He raised his palm to his face, touching his lips, and dropped it as if burned. “I’m sorry,” Kageyama said, voice shaking. “I’m sorry.”

Hinata started trembling, shivers running down his spine and his limbs in waves. “Wh-”

“It never went away. I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” Kageyama repeated, so many times the words jumbled into an incoherent mutter, as he swayed on his feet and then shot forward, and out of the restroom. The doors slammed against the doorframe with a bang that Hinata felt echoing in his bones. 

Hinata dropped, squatting on the floor, hiding his face between his knees, trying to breathe through the nausea that kept coming in waves that crashed over him, stuffing his throat and squeezing tears out of his eyes. 

When he got to his feet and started out of the restroom and towards the room, towards where the rest of his old team had the time of their life, minutes later and still trembling, he was numb. 

Kageyama wasn’t there when he entered. Yachi, the only one beside Kiyoko who wasn’t drunk stupid, winced in concern when Hinata caught her eye. 

“Where is Kageyama?” Hinata asked, at some level deep down amazed at how calm he sounded. 

Yachi shook her head. “Went home. Said he had to get up early. Is everything ok? Did you two fight again?”

“No,” Hinata said. “Yes. I don’t know.” He dropped down next to her at the table, staring down at a glass standing just in front of him, left by someone, at the glistening droplets of condensations on it and the way the lights of the room played on the surface of the moisture, gleaming. When he nudged it, it left a trail of water on the dark surface of the table. “I think it’s all gone.”

“What?”

“It’s gone. Whatever we could have been. It’s all gone.” Hinata’s mouth trembled. His eyes burned and he squeezed his hands between his thighs to not rub at them. When Yachi gripped his arm, her palm small and gentle, he had to clench his jaw to stop himself from making a sound he knew would betray all that swirled in his mind, a sob and a cry of loss. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> First longer fic i managed to finish in ?? two years?? and it's angst smh
> 
> What did you like about this fic? What did you dislike?  
>   
> find me on tumblr too! [linumlea.tumblr.com](http://linumlea.tumblr.com/)


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